Thoughtful Excerpt from Gates to Buddhist Practice by Chagdud Tulku

'There was once a man who decided to keep track of his thoughts. This isn’t an easy process, for though one can be determined to watch one’s thoughts, many get away, coming and going without being noticed. Nevertheless, he put down a white stone for every virtuous thought, a black stone for every nonvirtuous one. At first this produced a huge pile of black stones, but as the years went by, the pile of black stones slowly became smaller while the white pile grew. That’s the kind of gradual progress we make with sincere effort. There is nothing flashy about the progress of the mind; it’s very measured and steady, requiring diligence, attentiveness, patience, and enthusiastic perseverance.'

Typical Pacific Northwest weather. Cloudy, rainy, windy, grey and cold. Still, i am surprisingly happy; content and at peace with myself - finally.

With one exception...

Baths and showers all around. Baby girl, myself & ... the cats. yes, the cats. they need a flea shampoo bath. They get the flea drops and we have used the carpet spray from the vet, but they keep coming back. i'm not sure what to do short of getting rid of the cats.

Now for the rest of the story...

So the whole flea thing is not that big of a deal and isn't making my life miserable...it's just an irritation that i wanted to get out of the way... oh yes and my capital i still isn't working...as well as my capital y and delete button. at some point i will need to clean up the mess that was made. ok, done with the complaints for the day!

To do list for the day:

• Baths
• the usual household chores, i.e. laundry, dishes, vacuum
• file my weekly unemployment claim
• work on a design mockup for one of my projects

yes, sounds daunting doesn't it? Maybe i can get a little morning practice in too and coffee.

Knitting...

i need to finish the cotton wash cloth i started months ago. Then, i would like to start a new fun project like a hat and scarf for Lily.

i am still fighting the instant gratification need and so my project ideas are still of the small variety; children's sizes, hats, scarfs.

Spinning...

This is my secret hobby desire & want: to be at a weekend beach front cabin in the San Juan islands with a fire burning in the fireplace, toasty warm, and spinning luscious fibers to my heart's content whilst Ryan taps away at his keyboard, writing to his heart's content. oh, and there would need to be a yarn/spinning store within walking distance! and a local funky coffee shop!

Dharma...

Early yesterday morning, i was up before light and did 108 prostrations. it was the perfect way to start the day. it set my body and mind up perfectly for moving through the day with the right motivation.

Evening practice yesterday was a grounding way to begin the closing of the day and handling the chaos that typically ensues when Ezra comes home from his dad's and Lily hasn't seen her big brother all weekend.

Tonight, Red Tara tsok dedicated to Lama Gyatso & Dave Heinrich.

Tomorrow night, Red Tara tsok, in commemoration of H.E. Chagdud Rinpoche's parinirvana.

Busy week full of blessings.

Now on with the day!

Mind Purge & Cupcakes

To start, i spilled coffee on my Macbook (actually it was my 2 year old, but that is neither here nor there), so some keys are not functioning properly. Like the capital i.

Be warned, this is more of a clumsy meander through an emotional zoo of many paths. So don't expect any of this to make sense!

i feel like i have been spending too much time on Facebook lately playing those stupid games, wasting my precious time away. ok, i'm not spending every waking moment on there, let me just make that clear. But enough, that i am noticing it.

one thing that i am missing is writing. i am currently unemployed and spend most of my free time trying to get side projects or work on my online portfolio, so i am not feeling as though i am allowed to have free time to write. i just don't have the time.

i also feel like when i do have free free-time, that i should be doing dharma practice. This is the most important thing i should be doing. it is the foundation for everything in my life. when i don't practice, the foundation begins to deteriorate and my monkey mind goes crazy and my relationships become strained.

When i practice, i am reminded of the vow i took with my root lamas: from now until samsara is emptied, i shall accomplish benefit and happiness for all sentient beings, each of who has been my mother.

This is the bodhisattva vow that all vajrayana practitioners take. unfortunately, due to obscurations like clouds in the sky of my mind i have not been very good at maintaining this vow.

i know for most, if any who even read this (i'm sure there are millions of you out there! Sarcasm ooze) you have no idea what i am talking about. that's ok. i think this is more of a 'processing' for myself than anything. i don't mind if others read this because maybe someone else is out there feeling the same way.

This year has been crazy for me. i was laid off from my job and a dear friend is gone. i think i am also going through perimenopause so my body is going through changes as well. Hot flashes are a bitch! as are the roller coaster rides of insanity. i can only hope that my family and friends are strong enough to ride through them with me.

Chocolate cupcakes are my friend!

Maybe i will end this post now, since i am not making any sense and i probably sound like a crazy person.

Sri K. Pattabhi Jois Passes

The man was 93 yet I was stunned to see the BBC news headline Yoga pioneer Pattabhi Jois dies.

I have tried to practice yoga off and on for many years and my favorite style is ashtanga. Pattabhi Jois is Guruji, yoga master of ashtanga yoga. I always had a secret desire to go to Mysore and study with him. Ok, maybe it wasn't so secret. It was one of my "big ideas" a few years back - remember Leah?

It's so sad to see another great master pass on. Dispite all of my practice and teachings on impermenance it still knocks the wind out of my sails everytime. I feel like I am running out of time. These masters will not live forever. It reminds me of something that a teacher had said to me before, "Practice like your hair is on fire!"

Husband Proud

I am so proud of my husband who has been working on a novel, a 20k word count so far. He has seriously pounded through a month of writing and established a writing discipline that should hold steady going forward. Each day he has written a minimum word count of 250/per day (I’m sure he’ll correct me if it’s wrong!) and on some days he has blown that word count to oblivion with 1k or more.

Considering the fact that he is juggling a young family & an unfulfilling job during this time, I feel like he has really taken on the challenge. We do not have a big house with a study sanctuary that he can run off to and I know that the chaos of having young kids at home can push a person to the brink of insanity, no matter how much you try to drown out the screaming of sibling rivalry.

I think about all of the things I would like to do but can’t keep focused long enough to accomplish them as well as being too exhausted to care enough to make it happen. Despite any obstacles that he may perceive laying before him, he presses onward toward his goal of writing a novel. This is why I am so proud of my husband, Ryan.

A Writer's Childhood

Since my husband has gotten back into writing, he has inspired in me an old story that I have been contemplating writing. Yes, I write. I haven't done much if any since our daughter was born almost two years ago but I still have this idea for a story that I've had for many years.

Anyone who knows me personally knows that my mother is schizophrenic. Needless to say, this created a dramatic childhood to say the least.

I have two writing paths that I could go down.

The first path would be a focus on the 16 months that I lived in Fremont, California when I was 8-9 years old where I was a newly immigrated Canadian white kid trying to fit into the drama of a neighborhood of mixed race families and the torment that ensued when my mother went off her meds. It would be from a child's perspective geared toward the young reader set. I thought this would be a good area to write for considering the subject matter. I can bet there are probably a few kids out there who would end up relating to some of the humiliating events I experienced.

The second path would be a larger focus. Written for the older teen or adult reader in which the story spans my entire childhood including the time in Fremont, because trust me - there were plenty of awful moments on that roller coaster ride of mental illness. Including, but not exclusive to, the time my parents separated (the best time of my childhood) when I was about 13 or 14 and my mother was living with my Granny in Victoria, B.C. with my sister. Why my dad let my sister live with a mentally ill mother, I'll never know and since my father has passed away I will never get the answer anyway. One peaceful & happy evening my dad received a phone call from my uncle on my mom's side of the family informing him of my mother's arrest and charge of attempted murder and that he needed to come and get my sister right away (the worst time of my childhood).

Intrigued yet?

Anyway, this is the story idea that has been floating around in my head for years. I am not so self-absorbed that I think that my life is so interesting and that everyone will want to read about my life. My intention is to process through my childhood and make some sense of it, if any, and with the hope that it would help others out there who may have or are going through a similar experience.

I have come across a lot of reading material on adult children of alcoholics which were especially popular in the late 80's & early 90's but not much if anything at all on children of mentally ill parents. It's a topic that I think has been ignored for far too long.

94 Billion for Bikes!

I know we are in a recession but honestly, the States need to step it up a bit. I read this article on Copenhagenize.com and I was very impressed. What is it about this country that has it falling way behind? Was it eight years of the Bush Administration? Let's hope that Obama can bring us to the forefront and actually create those "green" jobs.