Anarchy in the US of A

Wowzers people!!! Sending love out to all. I'm still trying to process everything myself. I'm not sure what deep intellectual thing I could possibly write at this point in time but I felt prompted to send out my love to one and all.

My dharma sister said that she was visualizing Red Tara on the top of Trump's head, which for those of you who practice Vajrayana will get what she's saying. I told her I was visualizing Lion-faced Dakini with all of her protector elements! Either way, the Donald is getting a lot of dharma juju sent his way. Let's pray that this is why we have a connection to him; to transform from the basis of eternal love.

Dharma Mama Blog Return!

Lama Tsultrim Allione

Three years of designing, mothering and dharma-ing. My role as mother recently expanded to my own mother. Dementia and other health issues have brought her into my home. All the emotional baggage of the mother/daughter relationship is as volatile as you could imagine! This post is extremely vague and light, but I wanted to mention a book that has helped me. Feeding Your Demons by Tsultrim Allione.

The exercises in this book are based on the Tibetan Buddhist practice of chöd. "Allione brings an eleventh-century Tibetan woman's practice to the West for the first time with FEEDING YOUR DEMONS, an accessible and effective approach for dealing with negative emotions, fears, illness, and self-defeating patterns."

Summary of Thoughts

I can't believe it's been about five months since I posted last. Summer was nice to be with the kids, but it was hard too. I'm glad Ez is back in school. Makes the days less intense with the two kids not constantly going at it!

I'm really not sure what I am going to post about. Maybe it's more of a summary of the last few months. Who is interested? Who knows. Maybe no body but it's more of an assignment for me in order to process through to where my mind is today.

I survived another year without my father. Nine years, September 11th. It seems crazy that I can miss him so much even after all this time...

I have been feeling a sort of softening of my mind lately. Not a squishy thoughtless softening, but a path of less resistance. I still struggle with getting hooked into the battles of the ego but it feels easier to realize what is happening and then to let it go. For some reason, lately, when I see other's suffering and struggles, it has made me realize how fortunate my life is and that it doesn't have to be as hard as I make it out to be sometimes. Hopefully my heart will follow and it too will begin to soften. I would love to physically feel love bursting forth from body, moment to moment.

Is it bliss I want? I have had those moments of bliss, but they are temporary and I feel like I spend every day trying to get back there!

Redesign Complete!

Finally! I have finished the redesign of my online portfolio/freelance site. Thanks to the husband for his critique and copy editing.

Bodhileaf Design

Almost Done?

I think I am almost finished with redesigning my website. All I need is for my writer-husband to read through it to make sure all of the copy is typo free and grammatically correct! So far I am keeping within my timeline for launch this weekend!

World Autism Awareness Day

Did you know that today is World Autism Awareness Day? Find out more about what you can do to help promote this important day by going onto their website and Facebook.

April Fool's Day!

Everyone, watch your backs! hehe. Have a lovely day.

Logos

I am currently working on designing a couple of logo examples for my new site. My goal is to have the new site up this weekend. **fingers crossed!!! **

Bodhileaf Design Redesign

Since the two years that I originally launched Bodhileaf Design it has become painfully outdated. It originally started as a general online portfolio. Even though I have years of experience, I have not been very smart in keeping pieces of my work for show or they have not been portfolio pieces.

What's happened most recently is that I worked for a company that will not give me permission to publicly show the work that I did for them as an employee (make sure you get it written into your contract before hired). I feel like this has been a negative turn of events as I try to redesign my site in order to get more freelance work or a permanent job at another company.

But I refuse to dwell on the negative and so I trod onward.

I will select pieces from mockups I have created with edits so that my clients remain anonymous in keeping with confidentiality as well as some new pieces. It would be cool if anyone who reads this post offer a mock company for logo and/or web ideas.

Thoughtful Excerpt from Gates to Buddhist Practice by Chagdud Tulku

'There was once a man who decided to keep track of his thoughts. This isn’t an easy process, for though one can be determined to watch one’s thoughts, many get away, coming and going without being noticed. Nevertheless, he put down a white stone for every virtuous thought, a black stone for every nonvirtuous one. At first this produced a huge pile of black stones, but as the years went by, the pile of black stones slowly became smaller while the white pile grew. That’s the kind of gradual progress we make with sincere effort. There is nothing flashy about the progress of the mind; it’s very measured and steady, requiring diligence, attentiveness, patience, and enthusiastic perseverance.'

Typical Pacific Northwest weather. Cloudy, rainy, windy, grey and cold. Still, i am surprisingly happy; content and at peace with myself - finally.

With one exception...

Baths and showers all around. Baby girl, myself & ... the cats. yes, the cats. they need a flea shampoo bath. They get the flea drops and we have used the carpet spray from the vet, but they keep coming back. i'm not sure what to do short of getting rid of the cats.

Now for the rest of the story...

So the whole flea thing is not that big of a deal and isn't making my life miserable...it's just an irritation that i wanted to get out of the way... oh yes and my capital i still isn't working...as well as my capital y and delete button. at some point i will need to clean up the mess that was made. ok, done with the complaints for the day!

To do list for the day:

• Baths
• the usual household chores, i.e. laundry, dishes, vacuum
• file my weekly unemployment claim
• work on a design mockup for one of my projects

yes, sounds daunting doesn't it? Maybe i can get a little morning practice in too and coffee.

Knitting...

i need to finish the cotton wash cloth i started months ago. Then, i would like to start a new fun project like a hat and scarf for Lily.

i am still fighting the instant gratification need and so my project ideas are still of the small variety; children's sizes, hats, scarfs.

Spinning...

This is my secret hobby desire & want: to be at a weekend beach front cabin in the San Juan islands with a fire burning in the fireplace, toasty warm, and spinning luscious fibers to my heart's content whilst Ryan taps away at his keyboard, writing to his heart's content. oh, and there would need to be a yarn/spinning store within walking distance! and a local funky coffee shop!

Dharma...

Early yesterday morning, i was up before light and did 108 prostrations. it was the perfect way to start the day. it set my body and mind up perfectly for moving through the day with the right motivation.

Evening practice yesterday was a grounding way to begin the closing of the day and handling the chaos that typically ensues when Ezra comes home from his dad's and Lily hasn't seen her big brother all weekend.

Tonight, Red Tara tsok dedicated to Lama Gyatso & Dave Heinrich.

Tomorrow night, Red Tara tsok, in commemoration of H.E. Chagdud Rinpoche's parinirvana.

Busy week full of blessings.

Now on with the day!

Mind Purge & Cupcakes

To start, i spilled coffee on my Macbook (actually it was my 2 year old, but that is neither here nor there), so some keys are not functioning properly. Like the capital i.

Be warned, this is more of a clumsy meander through an emotional zoo of many paths. So don't expect any of this to make sense!

i feel like i have been spending too much time on Facebook lately playing those stupid games, wasting my precious time away. ok, i'm not spending every waking moment on there, let me just make that clear. But enough, that i am noticing it.

one thing that i am missing is writing. i am currently unemployed and spend most of my free time trying to get side projects or work on my online portfolio, so i am not feeling as though i am allowed to have free time to write. i just don't have the time.

i also feel like when i do have free free-time, that i should be doing dharma practice. This is the most important thing i should be doing. it is the foundation for everything in my life. when i don't practice, the foundation begins to deteriorate and my monkey mind goes crazy and my relationships become strained.

When i practice, i am reminded of the vow i took with my root lamas: from now until samsara is emptied, i shall accomplish benefit and happiness for all sentient beings, each of who has been my mother.

This is the bodhisattva vow that all vajrayana practitioners take. unfortunately, due to obscurations like clouds in the sky of my mind i have not been very good at maintaining this vow.

i know for most, if any who even read this (i'm sure there are millions of you out there! Sarcasm ooze) you have no idea what i am talking about. that's ok. i think this is more of a 'processing' for myself than anything. i don't mind if others read this because maybe someone else is out there feeling the same way.

This year has been crazy for me. i was laid off from my job and a dear friend is gone. i think i am also going through perimenopause so my body is going through changes as well. Hot flashes are a bitch! as are the roller coaster rides of insanity. i can only hope that my family and friends are strong enough to ride through them with me.

Chocolate cupcakes are my friend!

Maybe i will end this post now, since i am not making any sense and i probably sound like a crazy person.

Sri K. Pattabhi Jois Passes

The man was 93 yet I was stunned to see the BBC news headline Yoga pioneer Pattabhi Jois dies.

I have tried to practice yoga off and on for many years and my favorite style is ashtanga. Pattabhi Jois is Guruji, yoga master of ashtanga yoga. I always had a secret desire to go to Mysore and study with him. Ok, maybe it wasn't so secret. It was one of my "big ideas" a few years back - remember Leah?

It's so sad to see another great master pass on. Dispite all of my practice and teachings on impermenance it still knocks the wind out of my sails everytime. I feel like I am running out of time. These masters will not live forever. It reminds me of something that a teacher had said to me before, "Practice like your hair is on fire!"

Husband Proud

I am so proud of my husband who has been working on a novel, a 20k word count so far. He has seriously pounded through a month of writing and established a writing discipline that should hold steady going forward. Each day he has written a minimum word count of 250/per day (I’m sure he’ll correct me if it’s wrong!) and on some days he has blown that word count to oblivion with 1k or more.

Considering the fact that he is juggling a young family & an unfulfilling job during this time, I feel like he has really taken on the challenge. We do not have a big house with a study sanctuary that he can run off to and I know that the chaos of having young kids at home can push a person to the brink of insanity, no matter how much you try to drown out the screaming of sibling rivalry.

I think about all of the things I would like to do but can’t keep focused long enough to accomplish them as well as being too exhausted to care enough to make it happen. Despite any obstacles that he may perceive laying before him, he presses onward toward his goal of writing a novel. This is why I am so proud of my husband, Ryan.

A Writer's Childhood

Since my husband has gotten back into writing, he has inspired in me an old story that I have been contemplating writing. Yes, I write. I haven't done much if any since our daughter was born almost two years ago but I still have this idea for a story that I've had for many years.

Anyone who knows me personally knows that my mother is schizophrenic. Needless to say, this created a dramatic childhood to say the least.

I have two writing paths that I could go down.

The first path would be a focus on the 16 months that I lived in Fremont, California when I was 8-9 years old where I was a newly immigrated Canadian white kid trying to fit into the drama of a neighborhood of mixed race families and the torment that ensued when my mother went off her meds. It would be from a child's perspective geared toward the young reader set. I thought this would be a good area to write for considering the subject matter. I can bet there are probably a few kids out there who would end up relating to some of the humiliating events I experienced.

The second path would be a larger focus. Written for the older teen or adult reader in which the story spans my entire childhood including the time in Fremont, because trust me - there were plenty of awful moments on that roller coaster ride of mental illness. Including, but not exclusive to, the time my parents separated (the best time of my childhood) when I was about 13 or 14 and my mother was living with my Granny in Victoria, B.C. with my sister. Why my dad let my sister live with a mentally ill mother, I'll never know and since my father has passed away I will never get the answer anyway. One peaceful & happy evening my dad received a phone call from my uncle on my mom's side of the family informing him of my mother's arrest and charge of attempted murder and that he needed to come and get my sister right away (the worst time of my childhood).

Intrigued yet?

Anyway, this is the story idea that has been floating around in my head for years. I am not so self-absorbed that I think that my life is so interesting and that everyone will want to read about my life. My intention is to process through my childhood and make some sense of it, if any, and with the hope that it would help others out there who may have or are going through a similar experience.

I have come across a lot of reading material on adult children of alcoholics which were especially popular in the late 80's & early 90's but not much if anything at all on children of mentally ill parents. It's a topic that I think has been ignored for far too long.

94 Billion for Bikes!

I know we are in a recession but honestly, the States need to step it up a bit. I read this article on Copenhagenize.com and I was very impressed. What is it about this country that has it falling way behind? Was it eight years of the Bush Administration? Let's hope that Obama can bring us to the forefront and actually create those "green" jobs.

Damien the Omen?

All I have to say is: wow. I am sure this kid didn't choose his outfit but, that with the look on his face along with his name made me think of The Omen. Honestly Liz, what were you thinking? And what's with that hat!

*This is a photo of Elizabeth Hurley and her son Damien...yes, that's his real name.

Green Smoothies

I have started making green smoothies. It started out with a powdered whole food shake packet I have had in my vitamin stash for over a year. I haven't felt "healthy" in a long time and I am gaining weight and have zero energy. It is time to do something different. 

A friend of mine has been eating Raw for a while now and she looks so good. She looks vibrant and has lost weight. One of the things she told me she does is make a shake with tons of greens. This idea stuck in my head. I'm no dummy when it comes to nutrition, just lazy. So making green smoothies was a really great idea. 

The other night I made up the powdered shake and gagged it down. It was powdered, what did I expect. Still, I was buzzing until midnight. I was alert, had energy, and kept my focus on knitting and conversation the entire time! This was great!

I thought I could buy more of the powder packets from the vitamin store or I could my own FRESH green shake - probably cheaper. So I picked up some kale, chard and spinach. I thought I'd make it like I would a regular smoothie so I also bought orange juice, bananas, and Greek honey yoghurt to throw in to balance the bitter greens with some sweetness.

It was so good. That was last night, and now this morning I am having another one. I figure I could have one green shake a day in order to get all of the vitamins, minerals and protiens I need for the day. Now I can eat the foods I usually eat that don't usually contain many green veggies and still feel great.

Spinning DragonFibers

Last night I transferred the white Merino from the drop spindle to a bamboo knitting needle to hold for plying. I cracked open the DragonFibers targhee wool and begun spinning. This is only the second batch of wool I have spun in my life and it is really different from the Merino. The targhee is more course and in some ways easier to spin because it doesn't pull apart as much as the Merino. I can maintain a constant size with it than the Merino too. The Merino is so soft and slick that I was constantly having to stop and redraft and well, lets be honest, it's going to be a bulky yarn due to all of the irregularities in size. I love that kind of bulky, big knit yarn so I am happy with it and it will look so cool plied with the DragonFiber.

A friend gave me a huge bag of Corriedale which I can't wait to try and I bought some DragonFiber Blue-faced Leicester at the same time as the Targhee so I have a lot of different types of wool to experiment with and learn the differences. Fibers are so fun!

Gone Baby Gone

A calm has washed over the Sanders household with the fairly swift eviction of the "neighbors from hell". I received the update at work from husband that yes, the psycho couple were moving boxes out of the apartment. It was actually happening.

I had my doubts. I'll believe it when I see it, I told my husband when we got word that our neighbors, who have been tormenting the complex with their public displays of aggression toward each other as well as their not so private fights and obnoxious middle of the night movie, music and sex blasting from the bedroom, had been given an eviction. It was little relief since I know how difficult it can be to get someone out if they decide not to leave.

Getting that call from my husband was the best news I could have heard. I was bordering on a breakdown with the stress of inconsiderate neighbors and the subsequent lack of sleep. My shoulders didn't tense up at the sound of stomping feet coming up the stairs to our joined entry because there was no stomping feet!!!!

No screams in the middle of the night, or loud music, or action movies played at a volume for the hard of hearing, no bodies being thrown about, or marathon sexcapades of the extremely vocal variety. Don't get me wrong, I am all for a round of crazy loud sex. Just not when its my neighbor next door and it's going on from midnight to 5am and it sounds like she is actually in pain.

I'll stop now. It's over. They are gone. I can't rehash the horrible memories anymore. It's time to move onward and enjoy the peace while we have it, because you know it's just a matter of time until new people move in. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that they are an old boring couple with cats!