To start, i spilled coffee on my Macbook (actually it was my 2 year old, but that is neither here nor there), so some keys are not functioning properly. Like the capital i.
Be warned, this is more of a clumsy meander through an emotional zoo of many paths. So don't expect any of this to make sense!
i feel like i have been spending too much time on Facebook lately playing those stupid games, wasting my precious time away. ok, i'm not spending every waking moment on there, let me just make that clear. But enough, that i am noticing it.
one thing that i am missing is writing. i am currently unemployed and spend most of my free time trying to get side projects or work on my online portfolio, so i am not feeling as though i am allowed to have free time to write. i just don't have the time.
i also feel like when i do have free free-time, that i should be doing dharma practice. This is the most important thing i should be doing. it is the foundation for everything in my life. when i don't practice, the foundation begins to deteriorate and my monkey mind goes crazy and my relationships become strained.
When i practice, i am reminded of the vow i took with my root lamas: from now until samsara is emptied, i shall accomplish benefit and happiness for all sentient beings, each of who has been my mother.
This is the bodhisattva vow that all vajrayana practitioners take. unfortunately, due to obscurations like clouds in the sky of my mind i have not been very good at maintaining this vow.
i know for most, if any who even read this (i'm sure there are millions of you out there! Sarcasm ooze) you have no idea what i am talking about. that's ok. i think this is more of a 'processing' for myself than anything. i don't mind if others read this because maybe someone else is out there feeling the same way.
This year has been crazy for me. i was laid off from my job and a dear friend is gone. i think i am also going through perimenopause so my body is going through changes as well. Hot flashes are a bitch! as are the roller coaster rides of insanity. i can only hope that my family and friends are strong enough to ride through them with me.
Chocolate cupcakes are my friend!
Maybe i will end this post now, since i am not making any sense and i probably sound like a crazy person.
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